Irresponsible.

We closed on our new house today and went out to our favorite barbecue place to celebrate with a little fatty dinner. Afterwards, we planned to take a bottle of bubbly that had been chilling in our refrigerator, sit on the back deck, and watch the sunset and listen to crickets in our new giant, overgrown back yard.
We had the brilliant idea to bring the kitten along to start getting him used to the new property. He's been seeming really antsy being cooped up in the apartment lately and has been darting outside every chance he gets. I put him on the halter, put his Sherpa carrier (him inside) into the car and away we went.
Long story short, he got off the halter and disappeared into the undergrowth by our new neighbors' house, and we spent the rest of the time yelling, calling him, jingling bells, and generally walking around like crazy people. Of course he did not materialize again, and as it got dark the chances of seeing a black cat got slimmer and slimmer. We did see a little calico kitten surveying our antics, but not my little demon. I can only hope that he's off humping some strange kitties and having the time of his life...
And so here we are, back at the apartment, minus one little black kitty.
I am the world's worst mother for bringing him out there. I keep trying to tell myself that it's fine, that he's got our phone number on his collar and that he NEVER comes when we call him and he's probably just exploring in his little boy-cat way, and when I head out there tomorrow he'll be mewing at me and expecting his morning can-o-chicken, but I can't help worrying about him being scared and vulnerable and hungry and never seeing him again or knowing how he's doing. How could I have been so stupid and irresponsible?!
Of course in a selfish note the biggest exam of the semester is next Monday and I should be focusing on studying, but I start getting all choked up thinking about him. He's just a demonic little black cat, right? Just a cat.
No, but he's not. I can't turn the switch off just like that. He's my baby and I took responsibility for his little furry life and keeping him safe and now I've failed him.